HOLA! The journey CONTINUES! HAVE FAITH!

So you know those people, that say EVERY time you try to give up, is a Good Try?  That it's one step closer to the Final Try?

I seriously fucking hope that's true.  Since I last blogged, I've given up another 2 times.  That optimistic me, in October, lasted about 8 weeks, until we had a house guest that I knew smoked, I orchestrated an argument with my husband, and smoked "because he's an ARSEHOLE"... Then picked the habit up again - 1 smoke, 2 smokes, 10 smokes, 20...

Got myself some grace.  Lots of stressful stuff going on, selling our house, house hunting in Mega Expensive Sydney.  Still.  Bastard caring family and friends still harped on with the "when you quitting?"/

Made unsure commitment.  I will give up again, sure.

Said "Will be cold turkey, that's for sure, those other methods are all just USELESS.  Will rely on power of Positive Me" etc bullshit.

Five weeks ago, did "Cold Turkey" again.  Did not last 8 weeks.  Did not last 28 hours.  Smoked a single smoke every day for a week.  Just one.  So down from 20+, but still smoking.  Then, after 10 days, went to 2.  Then another 2 days, to 3.  Realised how ridiculous I was.  Felt SO guilty, I actually had worse physical guilt pains than actual withdrawal pains.  Failed.

Still had non-stop from family and friends "When you giving up again?".  Felt Furious Anger at them.  Because they were all Functioning with their Life.  I was all Damaged.  I needed Smoking to Calm Me.  (LOL - I can seriously justify why I should smoke out of ANY situation.  The plane crash in San Fran last week?  Yeah.  My husband flys a lot, I am a DEEP thinker, and a BIG worrier, so I need to sit out side and smoke, contemplatively, about how horrendous it would be to lose him, etc etc)...

Went to doctor and got prescription for Champix A-MOTHER-FUCKING-GAIN.  Andy laughed his arse off (not really), and said "Yeah, because they encourage you to smoke for 2 weeks", and I did.  OH how I did.  I smoked 10 a day, easily (after rationing of max of 2-3 because I was "Sneaking"... )

So, 14 days later... Now on Day 17 and haven't smoked for 3 days, and I'm okay - should also confess, I am chewing Nicotine Gum, 2 - 3 pieces a day, for 5 minutes or so, in my Manic Smoking Moments. 

So.

I will finish the course, not blog so optimistically, and hopefully, I will not let everyone down again.

Another briefish update

Oh the NOSTALGIA of it all... Just read last entry, where an optimistic current smoker said they'd be resuming with the quitting on April 19.   Which should make me about 6 weeks smokefree?  And "HOW'S that going", I hear you ask...

Well, funny you should say that. 

It's not going well at ALL.

I'm not posting this in a Smug Unaccountable manner, to all those that supported me so wholeheartedly - that filled me with warm encouraging remarks, that I ate with the relish that I would if it was Whittakers Dark Caramel chocolate - I'm saying this from the point of the Undefendable Blowhard.  I'm smoking still.  In FACT, I can't even fathom when I'm going to STOP smoking again - suffice to say, when I do, I won't BLOG about it, in confident manner of WhipperSnappingNonSmoker like last time.  Still scraping that egg of my face, and wearing a bit of blotted yolk.

Was at family function in weekend.  Had cousins in attendance that have READ blog and who gasped in horrified "JAYSUS CHRIST" manner, when I blurted that I was ducking out to the STREET to have a smoke (there were kids there, so fair play, like any heroin-adled type would) ... But luckily, had sister and her husband there, who said, with contented smug faces "Ohhhh, have you BLOGGED that yet?  OR pretending still you're NOT smoking".  I replied, with haughty yet slightly snarly face "Yes, blog has been VERY updated, no one thinks I'm still not smoking", but then thought "Hmmmm, maybe I SHOULD confess"... So here we go....

AM SMOKING.   AM FILTHY SMOKING FOOL.  REALISE IT'S NOT COOL IN MANNER OF TEENAGER, DEFYING SOCIETY - AM SHAMED.  Buuuuuttt, and yes there has to be a BUT.. Andy's away lots at the moment, like a third to a half of a week.  He's joyfully and rubbingly-in-the-face smokefree (how I RUE mocking him when he had his one lapse)... and that made me break too - you know, those of you that are married - "HE'S not the boss of me" etc etc....

So.  This blog.  I'm thinking I'll continue blogging (the statistics are truly lovely, it's been viewed a LOT even when I haven't POSTED!), but more in a manner of haphazard everyday life... And when I quit, and am confident I HAVE quit, I'll slip that in to a post.  Otherwise, yeah... I'll rename it... hehe...

Brief Status Update...

Status: Still smoking, albeit reduced

Reason: Am pathetic, in manner of piking piker, with a myriad of excuses, none of which I'll insult you with - god knows you're all rational, intelligent people.

Expected Date to Return to Righteous Non-Smoker: April 19 (my birthday, coincidentally), when we return from Milan, I'll restart the entire Champix course.  *heavy sigh*... Thought about starting earlier, but (fark, sorry, EXCUSE FORTHCOMING, but it was too tricky and burdensome to try and sort when was morning and when was evening, what with time zones in Dubai/Bangkok/Milan etc.  So.  That's when. Will not be blogging religiously.  Pressure may make me implode (which might shake some of the extra blubber I accumulated from 8 weeks NOT smoking, but all in all, would be bad look), so have decided to make brief, concise blogs, likely a week apart.

That's all.

We leave on Friday.  Am excited.  Even excited about perusing lovely new trending furniture stuff at the Milan Furniture Fair, SUPER excited about seeing Dubai with my dear friend Kaalene (we met at hostel, first year university), ANNNNNNND even stopping over in Bangkok.  Oriental City. 

*shuffles feet*

*looks at ground and begins mumbling*

So.  First let's start with this.  I'm incredibly gutted with myself.   Due to a myriad of reasons, the major one being an incredibly stressful personal situation, I found myself turning to an old friend.  An old friend who, in my delusion, I thought would relax me, and give me clarity of vision.   I think you might know where this is heading.  I have, ahem, new found reason to blog again. 

Yes.  I know.  Disappointing, weak, paaaaaathetic etc.  I consider this merely a blip on the road of quitting smoking - and intend to get, spurs, ten gallon hat and all, back on that horse very very shortly.   I'm aware of the praise and heartfelt messages I've been receiving from my wonderful friends and family, and how you're all likely shaking your heads in disgust.  Trust me - I've disgusted and disappointed myself just as much.

So yeah.  Watch this space.  I need to go and confess all to my GP and get a new script for Champix - as you need to start on the half strength pills again.  I think finishing Champix early, combined with my above shite, may have been my undoing.  Oh, and the earthquake played a part too. 

Sorry.

So? Am I?

I've been asked so many times lately whether I'm still not smoking. 

That tells me one of two things - quite a few people are actually READING this, and quite a few people know, due to my unfortunate history, that previous attempts to quit have revealed I'm as weak as a wobbly jelly sponge when it comes to quitting....

ALSO I guess, to be fair to the Doom Sayers, there's been earthquakes, extra families inhabiting Casa Del McCulloch, trips in airplanes to weddings with lots of booze, staying in an apartment EXPRESSLY picked four months ago for it's "Smoking Balcony Views - and to top it all off - Charlie Sheen looking so goddamned happy every night, all chain smoky and stuff... (Ok, he also looks insane, and older than his FATHER now, but still - look how those cigarettes are there supporting him in his hour days of need)......

SO... The short, only and final answer is that No, I am NOT smoking.  Also am officially off Champix/Chantix - and have been for 5 days.  Which also leads me to the next point - I have no reason to blog. So will leave this entry up for a couple of days, then blitz it, or at least, not write it anymore....

Thanks to everyone that supported me - wrote comments, read it, motivated me when I considered quitting - you all were very helpful.  After almost 20 years of such a VILE habit, it's nice to be able to breathe, not wake up coughing like I'm dying, as soon as I get out of bed, and to hopefully have STALLED the motherfucking wrinkles.

*Takes bow*

*Exits Stage Left*

Rocky Times

I keep restarting this blog because there's too much I want to say, not enough ways to say it, and really, all things considered, it's not exactly important whether I'm smoking or NOT at the moment.

So will bullet point - keep snappy, short and relevant to topic on hand.

• Although have been SORELY tempted in last 5 days, have not and will not smoke.  It was 5 weeks on Sunday since my last cigarette (or is it 6?  brain is addled)....
• Have experienced a few issues with Champix's much touted primary side affect, The Rage - when that happens, will only take one pill the next day.  Fortunately the only victim of The Rage has been The Husband - who really, when one thinks about it - brings it on himself
• Household has doubled in size since last Wednesday - we're fortunate enough to be able to host the McGregor family from Christchurch.  Girl child quota - DOUBLED!  Workaholic husbands - TWOFOLD!  Semi-alcoholic housewife - CLONED!  With that, the noise has doubled, our recycling bin is moaning with the extra fortified glass rubbish items, and my husband has FINALLY conceded it's time to prioritise the Kitchen Upgrade, as while it's fine with one person cooking, and 4 people's food, yeah - it's not coping so well with the extra volume.

There's been MANY laughs, a few tears, and the girls have coped well, all things considered.  The fights are declining, and the AWWWWW moments are by far outnumbering the "FAAAARKKKK MUMMIES NEEDS WINE, STAT" times....

For those that haven't and are possibly overseas, here's a link to the Christchurch earthquake donation fund:

http://www.redcross.org.nz/donate

Earthquakes, Aftershocks, FFS!

If I get through TODAY without smoking, I get a medal.

SWAY SWAY SWAY... If I lived in CHRISTCHURCH, I'd have been smoking 5 hours ago.  As it is, 2 hours south, we've rocked all day, and I am SICK SICK SICK of aftershocks.

I am STRESSED......

AND can't even have another vodka to soothe my nerves till my husband gets back from Wellington.

*WAILS*

And tomorrow is my ONE month anniversary (as in 31 days, didn't count the obvious but short 28 day anniversary)...

*WAILS AGAIN as big truck drives past*