So you know those people, that say EVERY time you try to give up, is a Good Try? That it's one step closer to the Final Try?
I seriously fucking hope that's true. Since I last blogged, I've given up another 2 times. That optimistic me, in October, lasted about 8 weeks, until we had a house guest that I knew smoked, I orchestrated an argument with my husband, and smoked "because he's an ARSEHOLE"... Then picked the habit up again - 1 smoke, 2 smokes, 10 smokes, 20...
Got myself some grace. Lots of stressful stuff going on, selling our house, house hunting in Mega Expensive Sydney. Still. Bastard caring family and friends still harped on with the "when you quitting?"/
Made unsure commitment. I will give up again, sure.
Said "Will be cold turkey, that's for sure, those other methods are all just USELESS. Will rely on power of Positive Me" etc bullshit.
Five weeks ago, did "Cold Turkey" again. Did not last 8 weeks. Did not last 28 hours. Smoked a single smoke every day for a week. Just one. So down from 20+, but still smoking. Then, after 10 days, went to 2. Then another 2 days, to 3. Realised how ridiculous I was. Felt SO guilty, I actually had worse physical guilt pains than actual withdrawal pains. Failed.
Still had non-stop from family and friends "When you giving up again?". Felt Furious Anger at them. Because they were all Functioning with their Life. I was all Damaged. I needed Smoking to Calm Me. (LOL - I can seriously justify why I should smoke out of ANY situation. The plane crash in San Fran last week? Yeah. My husband flys a lot, I am a DEEP thinker, and a BIG worrier, so I need to sit out side and smoke, contemplatively, about how horrendous it would be to lose him, etc etc)...
Went to doctor and got prescription for Champix A-MOTHER-FUCKING-GAIN. Andy laughed his arse off (not really), and said "Yeah, because they encourage you to smoke for 2 weeks", and I did. OH how I did. I smoked 10 a day, easily (after rationing of max of 2-3 because I was "Sneaking"... )
So, 14 days later... Now on Day 17 and haven't smoked for 3 days, and I'm okay - should also confess, I am chewing Nicotine Gum, 2 - 3 pieces a day, for 5 minutes or so, in my Manic Smoking Moments.
So.
I will finish the course, not blog so optimistically, and hopefully, I will not let everyone down again.
