Food. Fuck I love food. Spicy food. Sweet Food. Soft food. Hard Food. Glorious, GLORIOUS food.
*burps*
So I guess I can check off another side effect from Champix - and unless you're a moron, you'd correctly be able to guess INCREASED APPETITE. I figured this out, cleverly, myself, whilst shaving my legs in the shower this morning. Instead of normal train of thought "Oh, HEY, look at THAT, I must have missed that stripe down back of yonder leg, it's like a MAN'S pubes" as I empty the razor, I find my mind wandering to "What shall I cook for LUNCH??"... Itself a weird thing - COOK at LUNCH???? Lunch traditionally here is fruit, yoghurt and a sandwich for the girls, and a sandwich or toast for me and Andy. On a good day, I might go totally mad and open a can of baked beans.
Today was FRIED (in blobs of butter) onion and sausages, wrapped in thick WHITE bread, and drizzled with tomato sauce. Clearly not gourmet, but still. I COOKED courtesy of my shower craving up there ^^ - possibly my legs resembled sausages, and when I made a small cut of distraction, the sauce, but SERIOUSLY... All I can think of at the moment is FOOD. Even typing this, I'm mulling over whether to get green or red curry for tea. I'm actually quite pissed of at myself for blogging as every keystroke is taking one more second of the ETA of my Thai dinner.
So, one final thing before racing to the phone and dialling my friendly Thai delivery lady - had friend round before with bottle of wine (also might explain manic post), and she's a smoker. Sat outside with her while she smoked. Felt ambivalent - actually, felt a bit sorry for her, in manner of Reformed Superior Non-Smoker. Tried talking to her about Champix. Got frown, and admission she will give up "One Day". Had no desire to punch her person, and steal her smokes. So... Yeah... Don't think I even really need to be blogging much longer, as this is a done deal - if I'm gonna smoke, it'll be after wine - and I passed that test. She's coming back later with bottle 2 and 3 (after my children are in bed, and Thai has been eaten - I told her unlike a normal night, I won't forgo dinner, and she's not welcome till I've eaten, hehe).... and I still know I won't smoke. Odd. Comforting but odd. Smoking Jo is dying a quick death eh? Non-Smoking Jo doesn't have that ring to it. Need new nickname. Stat.
Oh and I've passed 1000 views! Hoooraaay! Thanks READERS!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Who knew?
I've been drinking extraordinarily strong coffee all this time! Yesterday when I had a cup at one stage (because of my addictive personality, I'm also quite the coffee drinker, and have 3 real coffees most days, and about, ohhh, 7 cups of instant?), I thought "JAYSUS! This coffee tastes burned or like it's treacle flavoured?". Never really gave it another thought till I had another cup this morning, and found the same thing. Pieces fell into place quite quickly, when I then ate a mouthful of toast, and realised the jam was quite possibly the most delicious spread ever made. BURSTING with flavour. AMMMMAZZZZING.
But you know what it is right? My taste buds are back. And with that, an appetite so feral, I seriously think I'll be lucky to get through 3 months on Champix (side effect Appetite Gain - TICK!), without gaining approx 21kg. The next blog is weightloss...
All said and done though, it's well worth it. It's getting RIDICULOUSLY easy to be a Non-Smoker - and now I keep feeling deep shame I smoked as long as I did. I even scowled at a smoker at the Warehouse today, and had to physically stop myself from going over and suggesting she try Champix. I'm a Reformed Non-Smoker ;-)
Andy's kicking me off. *le sigh*...
But you know what it is right? My taste buds are back. And with that, an appetite so feral, I seriously think I'll be lucky to get through 3 months on Champix (side effect Appetite Gain - TICK!), without gaining approx 21kg. The next blog is weightloss...
All said and done though, it's well worth it. It's getting RIDICULOUSLY easy to be a Non-Smoker - and now I keep feeling deep shame I smoked as long as I did. I even scowled at a smoker at the Warehouse today, and had to physically stop myself from going over and suggesting she try Champix. I'm a Reformed Non-Smoker ;-)
Andy's kicking me off. *le sigh*...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
On a Wing and a Prayer....
One of the most exciting things to come out of this whole non-smoking malarkey, will be the new-found ability to travel long distances without the ANGST of being contained in a teeny tiny space, with smelly strangers and crappy food UNABLE TO SMOKE. Flying has never scared me - hell, I've done acrobatics in a really small plane, landed on a glacier in a ski-plane, and done a realllllly bumpy trip to Fiordland, where an American lady prayed aloud the entire time, before vomiting in a bag and announcing she was "Ready to meet maaaaah maaayyyyker"....
What did, however, give me the heebies, was 12 - 15 hours of not smoking. And unfortunately, all long-distance travel for me, has involved my trusty sidekick, Andy the Smoker beside me for Every. Single. Second.
And I'll be frank here. By the end of a long haul flight, I honestly maintain if I grabbed the little plastic knife, and attempted to saw through his jugular, the jury would let me off - and likely let me sit in first class, smoking all the way on the return flight. In the last couple of hours, he becomes antagonistic, moody, mean and, well, let's just say nicotine deprivation turns my husband into a bona fide psycho. It's likely why we get "Randomly Selected" for searches - I'm twitching like I have smack in my bottom, and Andy's scowling like he has a bomb in his backpack - not only because of the strong urge to SMOKE, but also because we've spent the last few minutes discussing who gets what asset, and divorce lawyers.
Once, we were flying LA to Chicago, which should be a roughly 3.5 hour flight (sorry, off on a tangent I go). And it would have been. Except Chicago must have heard the rumour we're the Flight Jinxers from Hell, and threw a few hours of thunderstorms. After circling aimlessly for a bit, we headed off to Minnesota (WTF? The only thing I knew about Minnesota was Brenda and Brandon Walsh of 90210 lived there before moving to LA with Steve and Kelly and the Gang), and landed for refuelling, to be put in a queue of approx 60 other planes. The END of the queue. And I noticed, even with my smoker's lack of smell, that people kind of stunk. Worse, since we'd been travelling roughly 18 hours by now (we'd only had a 2 hour stopover in LA, after flying from Auckland) - I noticed that WE probably rated in the Top Ten Smelly Passengers. Anyway, to cut a long story short - our 3.5 hour flight turned into a 11 hour flight, and sweet JESUS, the relief of a smoke when we landed.
There's only been one Happy Travelling Story, as smokers. I actually have to post the photo - another time we flew LA - Frankfurt. Again, we were GAGGING for a smoke, but because we were connecting in Frankfurt to Cologne, we were resigned to waiting a few more hours - but praying for a smoking room. Anyway, walking down the wee ramp from the plane, I sniffed the air, like a bloodhound in an abattoir. I could smell smoke?! Was I hallucinating? We exited, before even going through customs, and saw people walking, talking and SMOKING everywhere! Thank GOD for Germany - they might have had bad people like Hitler - but those crazy Krauts knew the smoking laws were STUPID and had an Open Smoking Policy!
Here's Andy - note the blurry picture - I'd only had one smoke, and my hands were still a little shaky...
Actually - maybe we're just odd, but all our holiday pics have Special Smoking things in it - here's another of Andy at Disneyland - don't expect to see Mickey Mouse et al - THIS is the sort of photos we have in our precious family albums...
OOOOOHHH, and while we're on the topic of photos - I read an article earlier with a celebrity (no one exciting), but they were asked if they googled themselves. They laughed demurely,and admitted they DID. So my brain got to thinking - and here's the result...
"Taylor Kitsch stole the show in his role in the Bang Bang Club. This reviewer gives him TEN STARS"..
hehe.. Maybe Taylor googles himself, and might come check out this blog and we could like, chat online, and I could make him my SECOND HUSBAND! Why not? Everyone's saying I should treat myself once I've given up for a suitable period? I bet he'd never be mean to me on a plane..
ANYWAY.. Day 4 - again, easier than day 3 - totally have this non-smoking thing sussed. Urges down to maybe 8 today? All passed in a couple of minutes.
What did, however, give me the heebies, was 12 - 15 hours of not smoking. And unfortunately, all long-distance travel for me, has involved my trusty sidekick, Andy the Smoker beside me for Every. Single. Second.
And I'll be frank here. By the end of a long haul flight, I honestly maintain if I grabbed the little plastic knife, and attempted to saw through his jugular, the jury would let me off - and likely let me sit in first class, smoking all the way on the return flight. In the last couple of hours, he becomes antagonistic, moody, mean and, well, let's just say nicotine deprivation turns my husband into a bona fide psycho. It's likely why we get "Randomly Selected" for searches - I'm twitching like I have smack in my bottom, and Andy's scowling like he has a bomb in his backpack - not only because of the strong urge to SMOKE, but also because we've spent the last few minutes discussing who gets what asset, and divorce lawyers.
Once, we were flying LA to Chicago, which should be a roughly 3.5 hour flight (sorry, off on a tangent I go). And it would have been. Except Chicago must have heard the rumour we're the Flight Jinxers from Hell, and threw a few hours of thunderstorms. After circling aimlessly for a bit, we headed off to Minnesota (WTF? The only thing I knew about Minnesota was Brenda and Brandon Walsh of 90210 lived there before moving to LA with Steve and Kelly and the Gang), and landed for refuelling, to be put in a queue of approx 60 other planes. The END of the queue. And I noticed, even with my smoker's lack of smell, that people kind of stunk. Worse, since we'd been travelling roughly 18 hours by now (we'd only had a 2 hour stopover in LA, after flying from Auckland) - I noticed that WE probably rated in the Top Ten Smelly Passengers. Anyway, to cut a long story short - our 3.5 hour flight turned into a 11 hour flight, and sweet JESUS, the relief of a smoke when we landed.
There's only been one Happy Travelling Story, as smokers. I actually have to post the photo - another time we flew LA - Frankfurt. Again, we were GAGGING for a smoke, but because we were connecting in Frankfurt to Cologne, we were resigned to waiting a few more hours - but praying for a smoking room. Anyway, walking down the wee ramp from the plane, I sniffed the air, like a bloodhound in an abattoir. I could smell smoke?! Was I hallucinating? We exited, before even going through customs, and saw people walking, talking and SMOKING everywhere! Thank GOD for Germany - they might have had bad people like Hitler - but those crazy Krauts knew the smoking laws were STUPID and had an Open Smoking Policy!
Here's Andy - note the blurry picture - I'd only had one smoke, and my hands were still a little shaky...
OOOOOHHH, and while we're on the topic of photos - I read an article earlier with a celebrity (no one exciting), but they were asked if they googled themselves. They laughed demurely,and admitted they DID. So my brain got to thinking - and here's the result...
"Taylor Kitsch stole the show in his role in the Bang Bang Club. This reviewer gives him TEN STARS"..
ANYWAY.. Day 4 - again, easier than day 3 - totally have this non-smoking thing sussed. Urges down to maybe 8 today? All passed in a couple of minutes.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Another Day Older..
But NOT deeper in debt ;-) Or smoking. In fact, today was a LOT easier. True, I was quite busy, watching my super talented nephew win at the South Canterbury Tennis Champs (I was his Sideline Support, as his Mum had her first day at her new job), and then taking him to his new home in Oamaru - but aside from a couple of paaaaaannnnnnngggs (and by a couple, I mean about 20, which is still WAY better than yesterday, LOL), I feel good. And today was a real test. Seriously. And here's why.
My husband, god love him, is an honest and ethical type. When he says something he MEANS it. He's black and white. And in the past, when we've quit, we both go full blazing into it, vowing, as you do when attempting to quit - that's IT. No More. And I cringe to admit it, but EVERY time - as in, we've attempted about half a dozen Quits, using, as I've said, patches, cold turkey, Nicobrevin (funny aside - we've bought the course of that twice - first time we failed on Day 2, $199 for TWO weeks, times TWO smokers), second time (and this is shameful - truly SHAMEFUL), we NEVER EVEN OPENED THE FARKING BOXES. They sat there, tormenting us up high, with the "Not-ever-really-used-but-if-we-throw-it-out-it's-a waste" medicines - you know, Rawleighs rub circa 1981, one Codral "Day" pill, two asthma inhalers that have possibly 2 puffs each, extremely odd sized Sports Bandaids - the Medicine That Time Forgot drugs and balms.
They sat there until one day, Andy on a cleaning bent, discovered them, and said "Are we ever going to start this?".. I frowned, and tried to recall how long it'd sat there. "Dunno, does it have an expiry date, we could flog it on Trademe?"... They did, and had expired about 8 months earlier. My husband (ever an Accountant's Son) insisted we should sell it, but it got biffed in the wheely bin, more so because it was so just PATHETIC that we'd never even taken the cellophane wrap off the boxes, and I can ONLY imagine the questions and answers on the auction.
Anyway, where was I? Yes. Every SINGLE time we give up, I, well... I break first. I am the Smokiest Link etc etc. I just had this deep feeling inside, that unlike all the other smokers on the planet (and trust me, even though I was a pack a day, I still JUDGED other smokers - those that smoked in cars, teenagers that sit on the main street in business hours "Bloody little shits, should get a JOB, that's our tax paying for those smokes, at LEAST we pay for our own etc etc etc" - I'm pretty revolting all round, now that I think about it) - that I was more addicted than anyone else. That I needed smokes more than others did. I had all this stuff going on past and present that JUSTIFIED smoking - more than anyone around. I was stressier/more sleep deprived/bored/busy than any other smoker in the planet. So when we quit - I'd cheat.
Cheat. You read that right. And last time, I got busted. I'd wait till Andy got home from work, and go for his *ahem* evening constitutional. That was the only time of the day I knew he'd be gone for a good 20 minutes... hehe... (It's ok, he's given up reading this blog). (I think). (I farking hope). SO I'd shoot to the bottom of the garden and smoke 2 smokes so quickly, I'd get wicked head spins, but say to myself "Arrrrhhhhh, that's what I've been missing, just ONE or TWO smokes, I'm not addicted", before taking out my Shmints, popping one in my mouth, running back to the house, washing my hands in the kitchen sink, and sinking on the couch. But one time, he shortchanged his own bowel. Came out, went looking. Found me running up side of house. Much shouting followed. Physical attack came - not beating me perse - but he wrenched the smokes from my jacket pocket, shoved one in his mouth and roared "WHERESTHELIGHTERYOUCHEATINGCOW", before lighting it, and and sitting on the outside chair. Contentment on his face. A bit of judgement, but all in all, we were both relieved.
So to address original point - I'm proud of myself today because Andy was away, and I had ample time to cheat and have one. But had no real urge to do so. Don't get me wrong - I think about smoking a lot, but don't have the follow through devil on my shoulder saying JUST HAVE ONE, IT'S ALL YOU NEED.
And so I know now with even MORE certainty, it's a done deal. Am non-smoker. HUZZA!
(Sorry for long post - Andy was in Wellington, so had bonus Evening Time on computer - although anyone reading this might hope Andy stays home a bit more.. hehe... AND am keeping hands busy etc)....
My husband, god love him, is an honest and ethical type. When he says something he MEANS it. He's black and white. And in the past, when we've quit, we both go full blazing into it, vowing, as you do when attempting to quit - that's IT. No More. And I cringe to admit it, but EVERY time - as in, we've attempted about half a dozen Quits, using, as I've said, patches, cold turkey, Nicobrevin (funny aside - we've bought the course of that twice - first time we failed on Day 2, $199 for TWO weeks, times TWO smokers), second time (and this is shameful - truly SHAMEFUL), we NEVER EVEN OPENED THE FARKING BOXES. They sat there, tormenting us up high, with the "Not-ever-really-used-but-if-we-throw-it-out-it's-a waste" medicines - you know, Rawleighs rub circa 1981, one Codral "Day" pill, two asthma inhalers that have possibly 2 puffs each, extremely odd sized Sports Bandaids - the Medicine That Time Forgot drugs and balms.
They sat there until one day, Andy on a cleaning bent, discovered them, and said "Are we ever going to start this?".. I frowned, and tried to recall how long it'd sat there. "Dunno, does it have an expiry date, we could flog it on Trademe?"... They did, and had expired about 8 months earlier. My husband (ever an Accountant's Son) insisted we should sell it, but it got biffed in the wheely bin, more so because it was so just PATHETIC that we'd never even taken the cellophane wrap off the boxes, and I can ONLY imagine the questions and answers on the auction.
Anyway, where was I? Yes. Every SINGLE time we give up, I, well... I break first. I am the Smokiest Link etc etc. I just had this deep feeling inside, that unlike all the other smokers on the planet (and trust me, even though I was a pack a day, I still JUDGED other smokers - those that smoked in cars, teenagers that sit on the main street in business hours "Bloody little shits, should get a JOB, that's our tax paying for those smokes, at LEAST we pay for our own etc etc etc" - I'm pretty revolting all round, now that I think about it) - that I was more addicted than anyone else. That I needed smokes more than others did. I had all this stuff going on past and present that JUSTIFIED smoking - more than anyone around. I was stressier/more sleep deprived/bored/busy than any other smoker in the planet. So when we quit - I'd cheat.
Cheat. You read that right. And last time, I got busted. I'd wait till Andy got home from work, and go for his *ahem* evening constitutional. That was the only time of the day I knew he'd be gone for a good 20 minutes... hehe... (It's ok, he's given up reading this blog). (I think). (I farking hope). SO I'd shoot to the bottom of the garden and smoke 2 smokes so quickly, I'd get wicked head spins, but say to myself "Arrrrhhhhh, that's what I've been missing, just ONE or TWO smokes, I'm not addicted", before taking out my Shmints, popping one in my mouth, running back to the house, washing my hands in the kitchen sink, and sinking on the couch. But one time, he shortchanged his own bowel. Came out, went looking. Found me running up side of house. Much shouting followed. Physical attack came - not beating me perse - but he wrenched the smokes from my jacket pocket, shoved one in his mouth and roared "WHERESTHELIGHTERYOUCHEATINGCOW", before lighting it, and and sitting on the outside chair. Contentment on his face. A bit of judgement, but all in all, we were both relieved.
So to address original point - I'm proud of myself today because Andy was away, and I had ample time to cheat and have one. But had no real urge to do so. Don't get me wrong - I think about smoking a lot, but don't have the follow through devil on my shoulder saying JUST HAVE ONE, IT'S ALL YOU NEED.
And so I know now with even MORE certainty, it's a done deal. Am non-smoker. HUZZA!
(Sorry for long post - Andy was in Wellington, so had bonus Evening Time on computer - although anyone reading this might hope Andy stays home a bit more.. hehe... AND am keeping hands busy etc)....
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Annnnnnd Day 2 almost at an end
I'm not gonna lie, today's been harder than yesterday. The "rush" of giving up has faded a bit, and the urges have been a tad stronger - that said, we're both still smokefree and resolute we're non-smokers for life. But yes. I've been keeping myself extra busy today - lawn mowing, heaps of housework and play with the girls, even preparing Gourmet Meals (Andy reckons that aspect of it's FANTASTIC - instead of normal old fried 4 minutes a side steak, tonight's steak was marinated in a garlic mix, wrapped in bacon, seared, then baked in oven, LOL, with two kinds of potato... A Busy Cook is a Non-Smoking Cook...
My eldest sister was here earlier (she's a smoker too, but she left her smokes in her car, so as to keep me from tackling her, etc, not that I would, but she was concerned for her safety), and I was explaining to her the difference in mindset using Champix over cold turkey. In past attempts, I've viewed it as each minute/hour/day as "Time Since I Smoked". But in the back of my mind was this secret voice that whispered "Because once you've given up for a sufficiently respectable time frame, you can smoke socially at the very least"... And I'd literally hang out for that - be it a week, two weeks, one amazing time SIX weeks - before we decided we'd become Social Smokers Only. Unfortunately, we then became Alcoholic Smokers - as we'd drink most nights, in order to pander to our Social Smoking Habit. So we cut the booze, and went fulltime on the smokes again - for health reasons, obviously.
This time, I know it's it. It's just when that little voice says "When can we smoke again?", I feel a touch sick, and it passes within a couple of (GRUMPYFUCKFUCKFUCK) minutes, rather than a whole-day obsession. All in all, things are going well. No smokes - no murders - no divorce lawyers phoned - and I look forward to tomorrow being a non-smoking day as well.
Am happy, 95% happy.
My eldest sister was here earlier (she's a smoker too, but she left her smokes in her car, so as to keep me from tackling her, etc, not that I would, but she was concerned for her safety), and I was explaining to her the difference in mindset using Champix over cold turkey. In past attempts, I've viewed it as each minute/hour/day as "Time Since I Smoked". But in the back of my mind was this secret voice that whispered "Because once you've given up for a sufficiently respectable time frame, you can smoke socially at the very least"... And I'd literally hang out for that - be it a week, two weeks, one amazing time SIX weeks - before we decided we'd become Social Smokers Only. Unfortunately, we then became Alcoholic Smokers - as we'd drink most nights, in order to pander to our Social Smoking Habit. So we cut the booze, and went fulltime on the smokes again - for health reasons, obviously.
This time, I know it's it. It's just when that little voice says "When can we smoke again?", I feel a touch sick, and it passes within a couple of (GRUMPYFUCKFUCKFUCK) minutes, rather than a whole-day obsession. All in all, things are going well. No smokes - no murders - no divorce lawyers phoned - and I look forward to tomorrow being a non-smoking day as well.
Am happy, 95% happy.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Well, slap my face and call me a non-smoker!
5pm. Have been up 10 hours. Normal smokes had - approx 15. Smokes had today - ZERO...
*does dance of victory*
Weirdest thing. Have attempted to give up several times - patches, cold turkey, gum, Nicobrevin - each time, I've OBSESSED over smoking all day. 90% of attempts, I've given in in less than 5 hours. (Pathetic, huh?)... Anyway, this time, while I've thought about smoking a few times, each time I've thought "Christ, I'd love a smoke", I then think "No I don't, I don't smoke anymore", and the thought goes. I'm EVEN having a BEER - and all previous attempts have involved abstaining completely from alcohol.
The one thing I DO miss is the 5 minute window of peace from my children. Does that sound bad? haha... So today, at one stage, I went and sat outside and read a magazine and had a coffee. The only thing missing was a smoke, and then, after 5 minutes, I went back in. And felt "renewed".
And another thing - when Andy's not travelling, he always comes home for lunch (the benefit of living in a small town). I'd always thought because he TRULYMADLYDEEPLY loved me, and yearned for my company. And the kids I guess. Anyway, today, 12.15pm NO ANDY. 12.45pm NO ANDY. 1.40pm "RING RING, RING RING - Yeah Andy, it's Jo, are you planning on coming home today or what?"... "Umm, I think I'll just grab something from the dairy". It transpires there was no love for me. He just needed to come home to SMOKE (his work is STRICTLY STRICTLY no smoking, and even smoking out on the street would result in him getting his arse kicked, so he has to come home to indulge)...
So... The first day as a non-smoker is pretty much done and dusted. Champix, I have to say, ROCKS....
*does dance of victory*
Weirdest thing. Have attempted to give up several times - patches, cold turkey, gum, Nicobrevin - each time, I've OBSESSED over smoking all day. 90% of attempts, I've given in in less than 5 hours. (Pathetic, huh?)... Anyway, this time, while I've thought about smoking a few times, each time I've thought "Christ, I'd love a smoke", I then think "No I don't, I don't smoke anymore", and the thought goes. I'm EVEN having a BEER - and all previous attempts have involved abstaining completely from alcohol.
The one thing I DO miss is the 5 minute window of peace from my children. Does that sound bad? haha... So today, at one stage, I went and sat outside and read a magazine and had a coffee. The only thing missing was a smoke, and then, after 5 minutes, I went back in. And felt "renewed".
And another thing - when Andy's not travelling, he always comes home for lunch (the benefit of living in a small town). I'd always thought because he TRULYMADLYDEEPLY loved me, and yearned for my company. And the kids I guess. Anyway, today, 12.15pm NO ANDY. 12.45pm NO ANDY. 1.40pm "RING RING, RING RING - Yeah Andy, it's Jo, are you planning on coming home today or what?"... "Umm, I think I'll just grab something from the dairy". It transpires there was no love for me. He just needed to come home to SMOKE (his work is STRICTLY STRICTLY no smoking, and even smoking out on the street would result in him getting his arse kicked, so he has to come home to indulge)...
So... The first day as a non-smoker is pretty much done and dusted. Champix, I have to say, ROCKS....
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Yeah, Yeah, I've been slack...
But today's my LAST day as a smoker... And the last few days have been busy, what with the plumber practically moving in (he was here again TODAY), and Andy installing a TV cabinet for a lot of today, and unplugging the phone and internet.
BUT yes... Tomorrow morning is smoke-free... Feeling ok about it, but I guess that's easy to say when I'm still smoking - we've only bought enough smokes to last tonight, so regardless of temptation in the morning (I'm a Gross First Thing In The Morning Smoker), there will be none in the house.
So. Expect tomorrow's blog to be positive, but likely a touch moodier. If past attempts of stopping smoking are indicative, yes... The children and the virtual world better brace themselves.
BUT yes... Tomorrow morning is smoke-free... Feeling ok about it, but I guess that's easy to say when I'm still smoking - we've only bought enough smokes to last tonight, so regardless of temptation in the morning (I'm a Gross First Thing In The Morning Smoker), there will be none in the house.
So. Expect tomorrow's blog to be positive, but likely a touch moodier. If past attempts of stopping smoking are indicative, yes... The children and the virtual world better brace themselves.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Holy Yucky Smoke Batman!
Every time I've thought about a smoke today, I get this sick feeling in my stomach. Seriously. Even typing this now - BLERK.
I've had to dig VERY deep indeed to resist the urge to hurl, and continue smoking - such determination on my behalf! You all should be well proud of me. I was actually starting to panic a little that maybe I'd defy the odds, as most my smokes seemed so gooooooood, but today's been another kettle of fish. Rotten nicotine flavoured fish - BLERK.
Anyway, Monday's the day we've nominated for total abstinence (of the nicotine variety, although in saying that, if past attempts at quitting and *ahem* mood swings are anything to go by, it'll be bloody abstinence all round), and so this weekend is my last as a smoker. I should have arranged a night on the tiles with the girls, but it's not like everyone sits round drinking and smoking at pubs anymore is it? I'll be content with sitting outside, gagging down every little inhale, and bidding a long-time friend (hmmm - possibly not a GREAT friend, but one who's seen me through the good and bad in life) goodbye...
Now excuse me. All this typing about smoking has made me retch a little, and I need to go wash my teeth and harden my resolve to have a smoke in a few minutes.
I've had to dig VERY deep indeed to resist the urge to hurl, and continue smoking - such determination on my behalf! You all should be well proud of me. I was actually starting to panic a little that maybe I'd defy the odds, as most my smokes seemed so gooooooood, but today's been another kettle of fish. Rotten nicotine flavoured fish - BLERK.
Anyway, Monday's the day we've nominated for total abstinence (of the nicotine variety, although in saying that, if past attempts at quitting and *ahem* mood swings are anything to go by, it'll be bloody abstinence all round), and so this weekend is my last as a smoker. I should have arranged a night on the tiles with the girls, but it's not like everyone sits round drinking and smoking at pubs anymore is it? I'll be content with sitting outside, gagging down every little inhale, and bidding a long-time friend (hmmm - possibly not a GREAT friend, but one who's seen me through the good and bad in life) goodbye...
Now excuse me. All this typing about smoking has made me retch a little, and I need to go wash my teeth and harden my resolve to have a smoke in a few minutes.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Vivid dreams - CHECK!
But not in scary Freddy Krueger manner - actually really cool, vivid dreams, that I can recount (but won't, because let's face it, hearing other people's dreams is right up there with Chinese Water torture), but that ALSO have The Rage in them - so CHECK to two more side effects on the list!
Without getting into the dream too much, at one point (see, how annoying AM I? I'm now telling you about my dream, when I said I wouldn't?), Andy and I had our friends Troy and Amanda here for Christmas lunch, and Andy spilled ALL my food on the floor, and I had no lunch. Not ONE of those three shared their turkey or new potatoes with me, and I was first sad, then FURIOUS. Still a little pissy about it this morning to be honest. (Amanda, if you're reading this, best leave off phoning me today, because I had great faith in my dream you WOULD share, but ohhhhh nooo, you shovelled your turkey in, while I cleared up in the kitchen - which was actually my kitchen from my flat at university).... Anyway, yeah.. Vivid dreams AND The Rage. In one night! Am clearly gifted at Champix side effects.
So it's the last day on the white pills, tomorrow we are BLUE. So yadda yadda - not much changed in smoking front from yesterday or day before etc, but tomorrow the dose is strengthened. Maybe that's when my posting starts reflecting The Rage during waking hours?
And with that, here's Gross Smoking Confession Number 3....
The Influence on One's Offspring:
One day (and I'm almost blushing typing this, it's NOT funny, it's disgraceful on my behalf)... We were driving to kindy, and drove past a man out jogging. Now, exercise isn't a foreign notion to my children - their father runs most nights, and I do exercise at home, so I was surprised to hear a little voice from Holly (then aged 3) pipe up:
"Look at THAT man Mummy! He must REALLY need smokes - he's RUNNING to the shop!"
I coughed and spluttered (no, really, it's the tar in the lungs), and explained that not everyone smokes, and he was in fact being HEALTHY. She pondered that for a bit, then said "But you're healthy and you smoke, so smoking must be good for you".... *le sigh*.. So I had to explain to my darling three year old that smoking was really bad for you, and her father and I shouldn't be doing it, but luckily she saw a woman walking two dogs, and roared "LOOK at those LOVELY dogs!", and saved me from dying a little more inside at the perceptions I'd been giving her.
Pretty bad I know.
*hangs head*
Without getting into the dream too much, at one point (see, how annoying AM I? I'm now telling you about my dream, when I said I wouldn't?), Andy and I had our friends Troy and Amanda here for Christmas lunch, and Andy spilled ALL my food on the floor, and I had no lunch. Not ONE of those three shared their turkey or new potatoes with me, and I was first sad, then FURIOUS. Still a little pissy about it this morning to be honest. (Amanda, if you're reading this, best leave off phoning me today, because I had great faith in my dream you WOULD share, but ohhhhh nooo, you shovelled your turkey in, while I cleared up in the kitchen - which was actually my kitchen from my flat at university).... Anyway, yeah.. Vivid dreams AND The Rage. In one night! Am clearly gifted at Champix side effects.
So it's the last day on the white pills, tomorrow we are BLUE. So yadda yadda - not much changed in smoking front from yesterday or day before etc, but tomorrow the dose is strengthened. Maybe that's when my posting starts reflecting The Rage during waking hours?
And with that, here's Gross Smoking Confession Number 3....
The Influence on One's Offspring:
One day (and I'm almost blushing typing this, it's NOT funny, it's disgraceful on my behalf)... We were driving to kindy, and drove past a man out jogging. Now, exercise isn't a foreign notion to my children - their father runs most nights, and I do exercise at home, so I was surprised to hear a little voice from Holly (then aged 3) pipe up:
"Look at THAT man Mummy! He must REALLY need smokes - he's RUNNING to the shop!"
I coughed and spluttered (no, really, it's the tar in the lungs), and explained that not everyone smokes, and he was in fact being HEALTHY. She pondered that for a bit, then said "But you're healthy and you smoke, so smoking must be good for you".... *le sigh*.. So I had to explain to my darling three year old that smoking was really bad for you, and her father and I shouldn't be doing it, but luckily she saw a woman walking two dogs, and roared "LOOK at those LOVELY dogs!", and saved me from dying a little more inside at the perceptions I'd been giving her.
Pretty bad I know.
*hangs head*
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Another day closer...
Day 5's pills in gullet... I look at the packet and see that Days 1 - 7 (when you're meant to "smoke as normal") are white. Days 8 - 14 are blue. Am almost excited about switching to a blue pill - which is likely more indicative of a sad life rather than a statement on the effects of taking my first real Mind Altering Pill.
Although - they ARE altering my perception of smoking. While today I've not smoked particularly less, about every third smoke has that taste (and again, only smokers will relate) of a Hangover Smoke. And when that happens, I stub it out. Only every third smoke, mind - not enough for me to stop earlier than Champix recommends, hehe...
So I MUST do another smoking confession - after copping out yesterday. It's TEETH time now. I have yellowed teeth. Not in manner of bad English septuagenarian, more like someone who has drunk too many coffees and smoked for the last 20 years. I'm a graphic designer by profession - so when Facebook came along, for a while, I'd whiten my teeth - strictly for old school/university friends, and for some cool Mums I've met off a parenting website. It was only one day when my older (and sometimes wiser) sister actually almost wet herself laughing on the phone (I'd apparently over-whitened my teeth) and mocked me, did I stop doing it. Bit ridiculous (and yes, I'm sure you're all saying WHY-THE-FUCK-IS-SHE-CONFESSING-THIS-MAKE-HER-STOP-JESUSCHRIST), but I'm just saying - smoking has taken it's toll.... And it's the very very VERY First thing I'm shouting myself - a proper teeth whitening treatment, from an actual dentist - once we've successfully given up.
Although - they ARE altering my perception of smoking. While today I've not smoked particularly less, about every third smoke has that taste (and again, only smokers will relate) of a Hangover Smoke. And when that happens, I stub it out. Only every third smoke, mind - not enough for me to stop earlier than Champix recommends, hehe...
So I MUST do another smoking confession - after copping out yesterday. It's TEETH time now. I have yellowed teeth. Not in manner of bad English septuagenarian, more like someone who has drunk too many coffees and smoked for the last 20 years. I'm a graphic designer by profession - so when Facebook came along, for a while, I'd whiten my teeth - strictly for old school/university friends, and for some cool Mums I've met off a parenting website. It was only one day when my older (and sometimes wiser) sister actually almost wet herself laughing on the phone (I'd apparently over-whitened my teeth) and mocked me, did I stop doing it. Bit ridiculous (and yes, I'm sure you're all saying WHY-THE-FUCK-IS-SHE-CONFESSING-THIS-MAKE-HER-STOP-JESUSCHRIST), but I'm just saying - smoking has taken it's toll.... And it's the very very VERY First thing I'm shouting myself - a proper teeth whitening treatment, from an actual dentist - once we've successfully given up.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
So am cutting back....
We smoke a pack a day each, and today, I did a count, and it was about 14 each smoked yesterday? Which, to non smokers, might seem still shhhhhocking, but to us, it's a step in the right direction. Nausea in the morning, and a couple of slightly snappish Mummy comments today to the girls (particularly when we went for a walk, and Sophie did a runner UP a hill we'd just come down, Holly ran up the other side, and I was standing in a dip, kids both 75 metres away in opposite directions, while I shouted at Sophie to "GET BACK DOWN HERE and DON'T MAKE YOUR MOTHER COME AND GET YOUUUU" in loud manner of screeching housewife off bad sitcom.....
Anyway, no Confession today - have hurt my ankle - *sobs* - bending down to pick up a slipper, and it folded the wrong way. Is swollen. Am being stoic but it hurts like a FARKER... So am doing small post.
Tomorrow we start double doses - apparently that's when the insomnia/nightmares kick in, but meh... I've always had both things, so have decided, in optimistic Pollyanna manner, that it'll just cancel those two things out. Andy on the other hand (or He-Who-Snores-1-Minute-After-Lights-Out) may suffer a leeeeetle more ;-)
Anyway, no Confession today - have hurt my ankle - *sobs* - bending down to pick up a slipper, and it folded the wrong way. Is swollen. Am being stoic but it hurts like a FARKER... So am doing small post.
Tomorrow we start double doses - apparently that's when the insomnia/nightmares kick in, but meh... I've always had both things, so have decided, in optimistic Pollyanna manner, that it'll just cancel those two things out. Andy on the other hand (or He-Who-Snores-1-Minute-After-Lights-Out) may suffer a leeeeetle more ;-)
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Puff Puff Puff.... Hey?!
Just realised it's 1.44pm and I haven't had my After Lunch smoke? CRAZY!? I'm still only on one pill a day, but maybe it's already started working, because trust me - as soon as the last mouthful has normally gone into my big fat mouth, I'm heading out for a smoke. I finished lunch a good 45 minutes ago, and got caught up looking at the horrific flood footage on the internet, before realising I hadn't had one yet.
So asides from that, am still smoking obviously - but maybe not as much?
Anyway, today's extra special Vile Smoking Confession comes sponsored by Oil of Olay....
Wrinkles - the MOTHERFUCKING wrinkles. I remember, years ago, actually NOTICING the older women who had those pucker, deep wrinkles above their lips, and my Mum telling me, with disdain in her voice "Oh they're SMOKING wrinkles". (She is a passionate non-smoker)... Anyway, until maybe 3 years ago, I never HAD those wrinkles - in fact, my face wasn't looking too bad at all, hagged-old-biddy wise. However, every year that's passed since then, I've aged about 3. Including the Dirty Old Smoking Upper lip lines. Once I've given up, the first thing I'm shouting myself, is a bloody good pumpful of botox - needles SCHMEEDLES... Actually, it'll be the second thing - the FIRST thing is gonna be more of a teeth nature - but I won't spoil tomorrow's Vile Confession....
So asides from that, am still smoking obviously - but maybe not as much?
Anyway, today's extra special Vile Smoking Confession comes sponsored by Oil of Olay....
Wrinkles - the MOTHERFUCKING wrinkles. I remember, years ago, actually NOTICING the older women who had those pucker, deep wrinkles above their lips, and my Mum telling me, with disdain in her voice "Oh they're SMOKING wrinkles". (She is a passionate non-smoker)... Anyway, until maybe 3 years ago, I never HAD those wrinkles - in fact, my face wasn't looking too bad at all, hagged-old-biddy wise. However, every year that's passed since then, I've aged about 3. Including the Dirty Old Smoking Upper lip lines. Once I've given up, the first thing I'm shouting myself, is a bloody good pumpful of botox - needles SCHMEEDLES... Actually, it'll be the second thing - the FIRST thing is gonna be more of a teeth nature - but I won't spoil tomorrow's Vile Confession....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
No coughing at ALL last night - CHECK!
Email from Andy's specialist yesterday to say he can take Champix - CHECK!
Pill number one floating round in my tummy saying STOP SMOKINGGGGGG - CHECK!
So Day 1*!
Apparently I shouldn't expect too much - Champix starts to really kick in around days 8 - 14, and you should choose a day within that timeframe to say "By that day, I won't smoke". Because I'm a heavy smoker, I've opted for Day 13, hehe, but any earlier would be a definite bonus.
That, however, adds nothing to the Drama elements of this blog. If I just type Day 2, Day 3 et al for the next few days, then I'm going to bore MYSELF silly, let alone anyone else who stumbled in here and started reading. So I thought I'd do a daily "What's Gross about Smoking" fact, in the hopes it also reminds me why I'm doing this. Realise this - non-smokers - you're going to be a little revolted by this, and I'm pretty sure I'm letting the Brotherhood of Smokers down, as some/most will have experienced this, and kept it as their Dirty Little Secret.
Fact 1:
Over the winter, the fashion victim in me, fell a little in love with very dark burgundy, almost black Sally Hansen nailpolish. So every few days, I'd remove the old, and reapply two dark, shiny, glossy coats. My talons looked BEAUTIFUL. It's not a lie to say there'd be several minutes/hours wasted a day while I wriggled my fingers in the air, admiring their beauty. Anyway, after 5 or 6 weeks, while removing the old coat one evening, I noticed, on my "smoker's finger" (right hand, finger beside thumb, I want to call it index, but anatomy isn't a strength), a yellow line down the side. A NICOTINE stain. After almost 20 years of smoking, you'd think I'd have seen one before, but I hadn't. I can only imagine that revolting nicotine penetrated my pretty nailpolish, and soap didn't. So I had to cease and desist wearing the dark colour *sob*, and spend the time spent admiring said nail SCRUBBING it with a nail brush. And I can still see it - in certain lights. Now have hands of revolting old smoking alcoholic from Gardies, I remember looking at back at university years ago.
There.
So anyway. Day 1. Back tomorrow with astonishing/stomach churning fact number 2.
*For those that thought I would NEVER start, I'd like to say I understand, but instead will stick with nah nah nah naaaaahhh naaaahhhhh
Email from Andy's specialist yesterday to say he can take Champix - CHECK!
Pill number one floating round in my tummy saying STOP SMOKINGGGGGG - CHECK!
So Day 1*!
Apparently I shouldn't expect too much - Champix starts to really kick in around days 8 - 14, and you should choose a day within that timeframe to say "By that day, I won't smoke". Because I'm a heavy smoker, I've opted for Day 13, hehe, but any earlier would be a definite bonus.
That, however, adds nothing to the Drama elements of this blog. If I just type Day 2, Day 3 et al for the next few days, then I'm going to bore MYSELF silly, let alone anyone else who stumbled in here and started reading. So I thought I'd do a daily "What's Gross about Smoking" fact, in the hopes it also reminds me why I'm doing this. Realise this - non-smokers - you're going to be a little revolted by this, and I'm pretty sure I'm letting the Brotherhood of Smokers down, as some/most will have experienced this, and kept it as their Dirty Little Secret.
Fact 1:
Over the winter, the fashion victim in me, fell a little in love with very dark burgundy, almost black Sally Hansen nailpolish. So every few days, I'd remove the old, and reapply two dark, shiny, glossy coats. My talons looked BEAUTIFUL. It's not a lie to say there'd be several minutes/hours wasted a day while I wriggled my fingers in the air, admiring their beauty. Anyway, after 5 or 6 weeks, while removing the old coat one evening, I noticed, on my "smoker's finger" (right hand, finger beside thumb, I want to call it index, but anatomy isn't a strength), a yellow line down the side. A NICOTINE stain. After almost 20 years of smoking, you'd think I'd have seen one before, but I hadn't. I can only imagine that revolting nicotine penetrated my pretty nailpolish, and soap didn't. So I had to cease and desist wearing the dark colour *sob*, and spend the time spent admiring said nail SCRUBBING it with a nail brush. And I can still see it - in certain lights. Now have hands of revolting old smoking alcoholic from Gardies, I remember looking at back at university years ago.
There.
So anyway. Day 1. Back tomorrow with astonishing/stomach churning fact number 2.
*For those that thought I would NEVER start, I'd like to say I understand, but instead will stick with nah nah nah naaaaahhh naaaahhhhh
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Gah - first setback!
So after waking up chomping at the bit, ready to take the tablet, after a HIDEOUS night spent coughing (4.24am I managed to get to sleep), I was talking to someone who said about the risks of taking champix with asthma inhalers. I'm not asthmatic, but with this cough, sometimes ventolin is the only thing that helps ease my chest and actually allow me to breathe without coughing. Anyway, I'm on Day 2 of antibiotics, so once the cough's gone, I won't be taking the inhalers - ergo, will have to wait till Monday/Tuesday to start Champix. This actually fits in well, as the husband can't start HIS till he hears back from a specialist, as he's on a drug trial, where he had to sign a form saying he wasn't on any medication - and his specialist never got back to him yesterday giving him the OK - so he's contractually obligated not to start his - he's the only person in New Zealand on the trial, and his doctor takes it rather seriously. So we'll start together in a couple of days.
Now I know there's likely people already rolling their eyes saying "Yeah YEAH.. Excuses already" but trust me - TRUSSSSSSST ME, we are doing it, I haven't been this enthusiastic about quitting for a LONG time - but I neeeeeeed those inhalers to actually give me a few hours sleep each night. And I've had these antibiotics before and on Day 3 or 4, VOILA, no more cough. Will be good to go. *nods*.. Please check back on Tuesday at the latest - I guarantee you'll see my Real Day 1.
Now I know there's likely people already rolling their eyes saying "Yeah YEAH.. Excuses already" but trust me - TRUSSSSSSST ME, we are doing it, I haven't been this enthusiastic about quitting for a LONG time - but I neeeeeeed those inhalers to actually give me a few hours sleep each night. And I've had these antibiotics before and on Day 3 or 4, VOILA, no more cough. Will be good to go. *nods*.. Please check back on Tuesday at the latest - I guarantee you'll see my Real Day 1.
Friday, January 7, 2011
So... Day Negative 1
My first blog! And approximately my thirty-second attempt at kicking the smoking habit, which has largely dominated my life for the past almost-20 years. From that, you can correctly deduce I'm old - well, old enough that the hacking cough, the thought of my beautiful daughters growing up orphans, and generally living the life of a Pariah in today's No Smoking society, has culminated in The Big Decision that enough's enough.
So today I went to the doctor. I have this cough. Noooo, not a smoker's cough - crikey - it's VIRAL. Sure, it's lasted almost 5 weeks, and has me sitting in the lounge at 2am, watching Brothers and Sisters, or watching inane videos on Youtube because every time I lie down I break into a cacophony of phlegm, wheezes and a cough that sounds like a bulldog in heat - it's VIRAL I tell you. A pack a day* for the last 20 years, sans a couple of pregnancies where I "cut down" to 5 a day, has NO bearing on the fact that my daughters get a cold, lovingly share it with me, and are back to normal within a week - whereas I take 6 weeks, multiple puffs of ventolin via a spacer, "dry cough" cough mixture, panadol, and usually a course of antibiotics, before I recover enough to not cough for 2 hour sessions every night.... NO, it's VIRAL. *nods*...
However, this time, it's kinda scared me - how many "Adult Whooping Cough" attacks can one woman get? How many times can I explain to family and friends that "No, it's just a cold - Sophie's had it too", without them looking at me that way - and smoking friends - you know that Look. The one where non-smokers get an almost smug expression, before they remember they're meant to unconditionally love and support you, and rearrange their face into a suitably sympathetic expression. Yeah, I know that look well.
So - a pack a day, basically, since I was 16. I'm turning 37 this year. Joining me on this journey (without sounding too much like that dreadful Australian reality show, Outback Jack**), is my long-suffering, but equally long-addicted husband Andy. We start tomorrow. In approx 8 - 14 days we should be smoke free.
Wish us Luck!
*Unless drinking, or consuming alcohol, or times of stress. Or when one's tired - then it can be 25.
** I'm also addicted to reality TV - but one vice at a time people... I don't plan on giving that up.
So today I went to the doctor. I have this cough. Noooo, not a smoker's cough - crikey - it's VIRAL. Sure, it's lasted almost 5 weeks, and has me sitting in the lounge at 2am, watching Brothers and Sisters, or watching inane videos on Youtube because every time I lie down I break into a cacophony of phlegm, wheezes and a cough that sounds like a bulldog in heat - it's VIRAL I tell you. A pack a day* for the last 20 years, sans a couple of pregnancies where I "cut down" to 5 a day, has NO bearing on the fact that my daughters get a cold, lovingly share it with me, and are back to normal within a week - whereas I take 6 weeks, multiple puffs of ventolin via a spacer, "dry cough" cough mixture, panadol, and usually a course of antibiotics, before I recover enough to not cough for 2 hour sessions every night.... NO, it's VIRAL. *nods*...
However, this time, it's kinda scared me - how many "Adult Whooping Cough" attacks can one woman get? How many times can I explain to family and friends that "No, it's just a cold - Sophie's had it too", without them looking at me that way - and smoking friends - you know that Look. The one where non-smokers get an almost smug expression, before they remember they're meant to unconditionally love and support you, and rearrange their face into a suitably sympathetic expression. Yeah, I know that look well.
So - a pack a day, basically, since I was 16. I'm turning 37 this year. Joining me on this journey (without sounding too much like that dreadful Australian reality show, Outback Jack**), is my long-suffering, but equally long-addicted husband Andy. We start tomorrow. In approx 8 - 14 days we should be smoke free.
Wish us Luck!
*Unless drinking, or consuming alcohol, or times of stress. Or when one's tired - then it can be 25.
** I'm also addicted to reality TV - but one vice at a time people... I don't plan on giving that up.
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