Things I Can No Longer Do As A Non-Smoker

I type this blog entry as almost a tribute/eulogy to smoking.  Such is the mindset now, that I know I'll never smoke again, and it's got me thinking about smoking related life events - ones that I'll never be part of again.  So for the sake of closure, I shall list three of them below, in no particular order.

1. I Say Goodbye To Being an Agony Aunt
As a smoker, on the now rare times I went to an actual pub, I've literally solved the problems of whatever town I'm in.  Cigarette in hand, gesturing wildly with the other - sort of a Wise Aunty, if you will, my captive audience gets psycho-analysed and cured in a much more efficient time frame (5 minutes per smoke) than any $200 an hour psychiatrist's would charge.  Ahhh!  I was GOOD!  If I squint, I can still see the appreciation on their little wrinkle-free faces, as they ponder my gems of wisdom.  Relationships were repaired!  Drunks were Sobered! (INSTANTLY, one young chap literally RAN off in the opposite direction after a 2 minute pep talk, seemingly SOBER!) Angry looking men were SORTED-MOTHERFUCKING-OUT!   Not only will I miss this myself, generations of troubled children will also never get to hear my soothing and reassuring words.  This is a great loss to society in general, and Generation Z may never be the same.

2. I leave the Gossip Circle
Because let's face it - in the workplace, the smokers are the group that knows the Goss.  Non-smokers sometimes don't even TAKE BREAKS (Madness, MADNESS I tell you!).  And if they do, it's in packs, sitting in a communal staffroom, where they all have nothing in common, and even a "How was your weekend?" polite question and answer exchange, is heard by people PRETENDING to read the paper, but in reality, listening to every word, judging it in their head (and usually judging negatively), but having no one to gossip to about what a LOSER James in accounting is, talking about getting drunk to the CEO.  Smokers on the other hand, are so relaxed and just so GRATEFUL to be inhaling nicotine, they share EVERYTHING.  Want to know who's shagging who in the office?  Take up smoking.  The Brother and Sisterhood of Nicotine are a friendly club - one inhalation and you're IN.  When I do go to work, I'll miss that badly.

3. Getting out of situations you just Can't Be Fucked being in
Dishes due to be done at a dinner party? 
"Oh, I'll just have a smoke and be in to help"..
Fifteen minutes, three smokes and a text session later
"Oh you've DONE the dishes! SORRY - I just really needed a smoke - gosh you were QUICK!"...

Boring/Overstaying Guest wanting conversation?
"Hold that thought, I'm just gonna pop out for a smoke"
Ten Minutes later, re-enter and DELIBERATELY change the conversation or pretend you've just remembered, while smoking, you have to leave IMMEDIATELY

Anyway - Day 24 almost at an end.  And it's telling that I have to sit here and work out what day I'm up to.  The three week thing, Allan Carr talks about, is totally right - the last 3 days have been so easy.  Down to maybe 3 times a day thinking beyond a 2 second thought of smoking, and it passes. 

The pic below is only here because I found it FARKING funny - and because it represents about the amount of smokes I've NOT smoked since stopping......