Another Day Older..

But NOT deeper in debt ;-)  Or smoking.  In fact, today was a LOT easier.  True, I was quite busy, watching my super talented nephew win at the South Canterbury Tennis Champs (I was his Sideline Support, as his Mum had her first day at her new job), and then taking him to his new home in Oamaru - but aside from a couple of paaaaaannnnnnngggs (and by a couple, I mean about 20, which is still WAY better than yesterday, LOL), I feel good.  And today was a real test.   Seriously.  And here's why.

My husband, god love him, is an honest and ethical type.  When he says something he MEANS it.  He's black and white.  And in the past, when we've quit, we both go full blazing into it, vowing, as you do when attempting to quit - that's IT.  No More.  And I cringe to admit it, but EVERY time - as in, we've attempted about half a dozen Quits, using, as I've said, patches, cold turkey, Nicobrevin (funny aside - we've bought the course of that twice - first time we failed on Day 2, $199 for TWO weeks, times TWO smokers), second time (and this is shameful - truly SHAMEFUL), we NEVER EVEN OPENED THE FARKING BOXES.  They sat there, tormenting us up high, with the "Not-ever-really-used-but-if-we-throw-it-out-it's-a waste" medicines - you know, Rawleighs rub circa 1981, one Codral "Day" pill, two asthma inhalers that have possibly 2 puffs each, extremely odd sized Sports Bandaids - the Medicine That Time Forgot drugs and balms. 

They sat there until one day, Andy on a cleaning bent, discovered them, and said "Are we ever going to start this?".. I frowned, and tried to recall how long it'd sat there.  "Dunno, does it have an expiry date, we could flog it on Trademe?"... They did, and had expired about 8 months earlier.  My husband (ever an Accountant's Son) insisted we should sell it, but it got biffed in the wheely bin, more so because it was so just PATHETIC that we'd never even taken the cellophane wrap off the boxes, and I can ONLY imagine the questions and answers on the auction.

Anyway, where was I?    Yes.  Every SINGLE time we give up, I, well... I break first.  I am the Smokiest Link etc etc.  I just had this deep feeling inside, that unlike all the other smokers on the planet (and trust me, even though I was a pack a day, I still JUDGED other smokers - those that smoked in cars, teenagers that sit on the main street in business hours "Bloody little shits, should get  a JOB, that's our tax paying for those smokes, at LEAST we pay for our own etc etc etc" - I'm pretty revolting all round, now that I think about it) - that I was more addicted than anyone else.  That I needed smokes more than others did.  I had all this stuff going on past and present that JUSTIFIED smoking - more than anyone around.  I was stressier/more sleep deprived/bored/busy than any other smoker in the planet.  So when we quit - I'd cheat.

Cheat.  You read that right.  And last time, I got busted.  I'd wait till Andy got home from work, and go for his *ahem* evening constitutional.  That was the only time of the day I knew he'd be gone for a good 20 minutes... hehe... (It's ok, he's given up reading this blog).  (I think).  (I farking hope).  SO I'd shoot to the bottom of the garden and smoke 2 smokes so quickly, I'd get wicked head spins, but say to myself "Arrrrhhhhh, that's what I've been missing, just ONE or TWO smokes, I'm not addicted", before taking out my Shmints, popping one in my mouth, running back to the house, washing my hands in the kitchen sink, and sinking on the couch.  But one time, he shortchanged his own bowel.  Came out, went looking.  Found me running up side of house.  Much shouting followed.  Physical attack came - not beating me perse - but he wrenched the smokes from my jacket pocket, shoved one in his mouth and roared "WHERESTHELIGHTERYOUCHEATINGCOW", before lighting it, and and sitting on the outside chair.  Contentment on his face.  A bit of judgement, but all in all, we were both relieved.

So to address original point - I'm proud of myself today because Andy was away, and I had ample time to cheat and have one.  But had no real urge to do so.  Don't get me wrong - I think about smoking a lot, but don't have the follow through devil on my shoulder saying JUST HAVE ONE, IT'S ALL YOU NEED.

And so I know now with even MORE certainty, it's a done deal.  Am non-smoker.  HUZZA!

(Sorry for long post - Andy was in Wellington, so had bonus Evening Time on computer - although anyone reading this might hope Andy stays home a bit more.. hehe... AND am keeping hands busy etc)....